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Why
I Won’t Be Buying the Star Wars Trilogy on
DVD
or
#@&* George Lucas
May 2004
Our
first copies of the Star Wars films in the
De Matteo house were purchased with some
kind of meal deal at Burger King. These are
still the VHS copies from the mid-eighties
featured prominently in my father’s
collection – a collection that has become
one of DVDs. These are the copies I grew up
watching, studying, worshipping and thinking
were the coolest damn movies I had ever
seen. Sure, I saw a couple of the Star Trek
flicks, but please! They weren’t even
comparable. I was a Star Wars fan through
and through.
Now, if
you want to meet a true Star Wars fan,
however, you’d have to step one generation
north of me to my father, who bought all the
toys, posters, weapons and magazines for me
and, I’m sure, for him as much as for his
young son. Together we knew every line,
discussed the morality of Leia killing that
first poor Storm Trooper who had just
ordered his men to set their
guns for STUN, cringed happily at the same
time when the garbage compactor did what
garbage compactors do, regretted the lame
death of Boba Fett (but is there anything
more ironic than the coolest bounty hunter
in the universe having a jet pack
malfunction?) and were amazed that only once
in her life was Carrie Fisher ever able to
look close to hot and it was completely
thanks to Jabba the Hut.
Oh, and
that Han Solo was the definition of cool.
And
then we went to see the re-releases. We
couldn’t wait. Me, Mike, Mark, my father
and my buddy MK drove through the most warp
speed looking snow storm ever to see Star
Wars in theaters again. There was the
promise of new footage that could only be
better than before, knowing that the true
Jedi master, Lucas himself, was at the
controls. We waited with baited breath for
the first new scene.
And
then Han Solo stepped on Jabba the Hut’s
tail.
I
trusted George Lucas implicitly. Hell, he
even created the Fonze if you think about
it. But then after Han did his river dance
on Jabba, Greedo shot first, there were
about 14 extra rings around every
in-space explosion, the changes,
alterations and atrocities just kept
coming. The original trilogy these were
not. The films I grew up on had been mauled
by the overactive pituitary gland of a man
confusing creativity with rape.
And
then today, Tuesday May 18, 2004, a picture
was released, a picture of Frank Oz’s
wonderful creation Yoda and Sir Alec
Guinness as the original Obi-Wan Kenobi, a
picture that looked so familiar to me that I
had to do a double-take. The picture was a
screen shot from Return of the Jedi,
the end shot of Obi Wan, Yoda and the saved
soul of Anakin Skywalker watching over the
victory celebration in the Ewok village…
except Hayden Christianson was Anakin and
not Sebastian Shaw as it was when I saw it
as a child, as a teenager and now, on my
father’s VHS from Burger King as a man.
And I
am outraged.
I will
accept that as the artist and creator
(though not director of Return of the
Jedi, or of The Empire Strikes Back,
perhaps the best entry of the series) George
Lucas has the right to play with his toys,
his effects, and his creations… but damn you
straight to hell George… you cannot
try and make me forget the truly great films
you are now destroying.
Yes,
this is a rape. Nowhere can you find the
originals anymore, in there original
presentation, with their now sometimes silly
looking special effects that still hold such
a place in my heart and have so much more
soul to them than any of these new episodes
and whatever Lucas is doing to his
originals. This is a sacrifice of the
firstborns except they are all dying in
vain. Where are the films that made George
Lucas a living legend, because to look at
them now, one might think he was merely some
hack who got lucky, and not the
well-informed, well-studied, talented,
creative genius he once was. And I will
have no part in this. My faith is
shattered. From the first re-release in
1997 to Episode I in 1999 to
Episode II in 2002 to not too long ago
I’ve justified and justified all the bizarre
and horrific twists of the knife Lucas has
inflicted on his own legend, his own
mythology. I have tried to understand and
make others understand. And I will be in
theaters opening night for Episode III,
regardless of my many reservations and
concerns, but simply out of respect for a
series that gave me so much joy in my
childhood and gave me heroes and myths of my
own time to praise and revel in. And I will
buy that DVD as I have the previous
two, because I enjoy the films as fun
sci-fi, though nothing comparable to what I
was raised on.
Which
means I will not be making a purchase on or
before September 21, 2004 of the “Star Wars
Trilogy”, falsely advertised as the original
three Star Wars movies when they are
in fact nothing but shallow imposters held
together with THX quality tape and
bubblegum, attempting to change my memories,
rip out the soul of all years I spent with
light sabers, Millennium Falcons and
hundreds of little figures battling on my
bookshelf so the Dark Side of the Force
would not prevail.
Because
it has.
Temptation, lacking discipline and abject
foolishness have prevailed in the Lucas
camp, all tied together with not a little
greed and the result is the abduction, rape
and mutilation of Lucas’s firstborn, whom I
apparently loved more deeply than their own
father, a father who wants only their darker
versions, their bastardized selves. How
funny that the creator becomes the created.
But
this fan will not fall, will not give in and
will not buy this crystal-clear, chapter-pickable,
special feature laden crap. No. Up yours,
George Lucas. I will sit at home and watch
my father’s VHS copies, the same ones I will
show my children if you never manage to
return to your senses.
And
when I do want a damn good, top quality
fantasy adventure trilogy on DVD, I’ll watch
The Lord of the Rings.
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Good Directors Getting Screwed
Over by the Studios
April 2004
(Excerpts from a
conversation at Michael's Bar in White
Plains, NY.)
Dammit.
Mike (Flanagan
[HugeReviews.com critic]) and I saw The
Whole Ten Yards today, and it was good. I
expected it to suck.
Why did I expect
it to suck?
One simple
reason: The film had been pushed off for
roughly a year and half. This Willis/Perry
comedy was completed almost two years ago,
and the first previews appeared then. In
that time, Warner Brothers seems to have
begun the stalling game.
What is the
stalling game? That's when you push off a
film AFTER announcing it. In other words,
you go to the theater, see that a film is
coming out, and then hear about it for the
next year, in which time, you become more
and more disenchanted, regardless of your
initial interest level and then... when the
film is finally released, you don't rush out
to see it due to your unbelievable
anticipation level... no, you just say the
hell with it, because you've long since
given up all of hope of it being any ****ing
good.
And so, debuting
this week in the number 8 spot, we get a
very respectable comedy that no one will
see. The whole Ten Yards.
"Oh, that's just
a theory, Christian, you have no proof!" Oh,
don't I, naysayer?
What, praytell,
was the number 10 film this week? Hmm? It
was the extremely funny The Girl Next Door,
which should have been a blockbuster, and
would have been had it been released on it's
original release date TWO MONTHES AGO. This
one was slaughter, pushed off week by week
by week for two month, all the while the
advertising lilted into an occasional crappy
TV spot.
This is a crime
and sin against Elisha Cuthbert, who should
have shot up in popularity with this, one of
the most vulgar and wonderful teen comedies
I've ever seen. I still remember most of the
lines in it, from when I saw it in FEBRUARY.
More proof? How
about Jersey Girl, a fine Kevin Smith film
that was only on the top ten for two ****ing
weeks. Why? Because it got pushed and pushed
and pushed until only the bad press survived
and nobody gave a ****.
Oh, well, that
and shitty marketing by backing companies
who don't have enough faith in their own
films. Anyone who's seen the Jersey Girl and
the TV spots for it, no that one has nothing
to do with other and that the advertising
couldn't be worse.
Wanna track a little history? Here's a
couple. Tim Allen's only film with a firm
pair of nuts, Big Trouble. This was a funny
movie... BUT, since American's apparently
can't handle comedy when a tragedy has
happened, the film was pushed for TWQ ****ING
YEARS after 9/11, released to NO pomp and
circumstance and tanked.
Phonebooth, not
the greatest film ever made but enjoyable
nonetheless... same situation as above...
delayed into oblivion. Idle Hands... yup,
same deal.
And I could go
on and on and on.
This is nothing
less than a crime by movie companies against
their very employees, the directors and
actors.
Go see The Girl
Next Door. It's great.
Go see Jersey
Girl. It's great.
Go see The Whole
Ten Yards, it's very funny and Kevin Pollack
deserves an Oscar nod.
Don't let
film-stalling, the fine art of movie moguls,
ruin your chances of getting real
entertainment in the theaters that are so
often a wasteland of Walking Tall, The Alamo
and Scooby Doo sequels.
Good movies do
come out.. be smart enough to spot them.
The Dude Abides
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