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I Haven't Seen
It...And How Will I?
by Michael Flanagan So the new "Director's
Cut" of Alexander came out this week. I love
Director's Cuts. You get a new idea of what the movie
is, you see additional footage, extra character elements,
maybe some damn good scenes. It was great watching
Ridley Scott's new cut of Alien on DVD, even though
it kind of changes the developed science of the entire
series. And I loved watching the Apocalypse Now
new cut, which is even longer, but includes some great
stuff. The problem with these cuts, for in an
internally imbalanced world we must find pros and cons as
part of the struggle to make sense of the senseless...but I
digress...the problem is that too often, these DVD
director's cuts don't include the original version of the
film. For whatever reason the director has come up
with a new cut, but at the very least, give us the old
version for "posterity's sake," or for those who have
certain yet possibly misplaced sentimental values, or,
maybe, for those who just prefer the old version. Many
DVDs include both, in some cases, unadvertised and on the
same disc. The Butterfly Effect and The
Forgotten are two recent DVDs I watched and was
surprised to find a choice of which version. I like
it. It presents some personal quandaries, but it's
better than one or nothing. Now, this week,
I'm standing in Blockbuster, because, and forgive the
continual digressions but I have issues, and I'm looking at
the Alexander DVD and considering spending my $5.00 on
watching this movie that I didn't really want to see when I
saw the previews in theatres because 1) it seemed awfully
pretentious, 2) it didn't look overly interesting, except
for the BFE (big f**king elephant), and 3) Ferrel looks like
a neutered Ken doll in that blonde wig. I know Irish.
Heck, I am Irish. We don't look good with long blonde
locks. Combine that with our skin and we begin to
disappear, and believe me, no Irishman wants to disappear in
anything except a pint. So why am I standing
in Blockbuster, contemplating renting this movie that I
don't think I want to see? Well....1) sometimes,
though rarely, life presents surprises that make optimism
worth feeling, albeit almost exclusively when it comes to
film, 2) it's an Oliver Stone movie, and I've liked at least
four...three...two...well, JFK was g--....well, you're
supposed to watch Oliver Stone movies okay? 3) the
aforementioned elephants. Number 3 may be excluded
when you bring in the Return of the King factor,
which has EBBFE (Even Bigger Big F**king Elephants), but if
I'm going to watch an Oliver Stone movie instead of Lord
of the Rings, it may as well have elephants.
Then, I see something on the box. It brings to mind a
commercial for the DVD I saw a few days before during a
Yankee game on the YES Network. I'm not a baseball fan
really, but it was on while I was disappearing for a while.
This commercial mentioned the "exciting new cut" blah blah
blah I stopped listening because I figured, right,
Alexander Director's Cut, now new and improved and five
hours long, which is even longer than Collin Ferrel I hear.
So, "buy it on Tuesday" blah blah "Christian I'll have
another Bass please." See, it all blends together.
Right. Blockbuster. It may as well have been
Hollywood Video. Or your local Mom & Pop DVD rental
store, if I had any real hope that enough of those hadn't
been eaten away by the corporate machine to make it worth
embellishing on that aspect of the story but no, no, there I
am in Blockbuster, which sits next door to the Dunkin Donuts
and across the street from Subway. So I'm looking at
the box and it basically repeats what the commercial said,
except it also included things like "more action packed" and
"even more exciting than the original." So, I
didn't rent it. And to continue to not do any duty I
may have as a critic on HUGEReviews.com, I didn't research
this issue. I don't know why it's different, I don't
know who made the decision, and, frankly, I don't give a
damn. See, if I quote old classics I'll reestablish my
ability as a critic and film buff. Or as being a buff
film critic. The point is this: I don't think
I've ever heard an Oliver Stone movie being called "Action
Packed." And I remember reading about Alexander
when it was coming out, and it was going to be this artistic
whodeeawhatsit version of the story with weird scenes,
strange sex, and graphic...elephants. That's what he
does, that Stone guy. He did alright for himself doing
that. Hey, whether I like him or not, he's an
established film director and I'm not. I am also not
Chevy Chase, which is an entirely different issue for
another day. Please, stop this insanity.
If you're going to butcher your movies, or someone else's
movies, give us the original. Sure, maybe most of the
world will only watch the one labeled "more action packed,"
and that's cool, you know. But if film is an art, and
I think the overall consensus of anyone who has read this
far is that it is, then we need to preserve it. For
the people of the future, for ourselves, I don't know.
For someone. Or maybe just for the film itself.
Spielberg did okay. He made FBI Agents threaten E.T.
with walkie-talkies, but he gave us the damn original
version on the DVD, man! Hayden Christensen is in
Return of the Jedi, dammit, and I want the old guy who's not
James Earl Jones! I know, I know, you can buy
either version if you want to find it. Blockbuster
only had the new cut. Most people won't look for
another. Pick a movie and release it, for Pete's sake. So I didn't rent it, and
probably won't ever. The good news, though, is that
Guess Who is also out
on DVD this week. It was fun. Rent that.
Or, the original Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.
See, both are available on DVD. Thank you,
and goodnight. |
