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Reviews:
The
Island of Dr. Mo—forget it, this movie
doesn’t deserve a witty title
by Michael Flanagan
Wimpy
Pardon my language,
but what the hell is this crap?
That was my thought about an hour
into The Island of Dr. Moreau, the
newest cinemazation of this classic H.G.
Wells tale.
What follows would be considered
*Spoilers*, except, really, there’s
nothing to spoil.
About an hour into
the film, the main reason I saw it, Marlon
Brando, was eaten alive by a man-hyena.
About an hour and twenty minutes
into it, the second reason I saw it, Val
Kilmer, was shot by a man-dog with a
handgun. That left the lead actor, a relative unknown, David Thewliss
(The Big Lebowski), who was
completely left out of any marketing
campaign this movie managed to put
together.
That guy, he was okay.
He lived.
Why?
I don’t know.
The film ridiculously
plays out what is a ridiculous premise
that is much more intriguing in written
form.
Maybe that’s why Brando agreed to
it, though I can’t see how this trite
script would convince anyone of merit.
The special effects: bad.
The acting: awful.
The writing: embarrassing.
The plot: What plot?
The only redeeming
quality of the film was two lines that I
won’t spoil here.
One, the first line of the film,
almost started me thinking it wasn’t
that bad.
Then, a shark looked over its
shoulder at two men in business suits
fighting underwater.
Sharks don’t have shoulders.
The second I will let you find, but
here’s a hint: it begins the second
bookend of the movie.
At least, I think it was good.
Maybe I was just relieved that it
was almost over.
Then, they gave the point: People
are like animals because we fight, hurt,
and kill each other.
I waited for Damon Wayans to jump
out and scream, “MESSAGE!”
But even Damon Wayans was smart
enough to avoid this garbage.
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